How To Say No

Miguel Lebron • September 28, 2020

For some reason, getting a no seems scary. But even worse, we are frightened to give no as an answer. Its as if by getting no as an answer or giving it as one, everything will go downhill for us. The fact is, sometimes we need to get a no answer in our lives, and there are also moments where we need to muscle-up and give no as one.

Why are we so scared to say no? Regardless if we are in a position of leadership or as a follower, there seems to be something intimidating about the word no.

via GIPHY

remember to breathe

I think the reason we are often scared to say no is that we don't want to let people down; we always want to come across available. Another reason is that we don't want to come across as someone who isn't fully invested in the relationship or who isn't a team player.

As a child, saying no to an adult, rather your mother, father, grandparent, or teacher, was seen as rude; I don't know if because of this, some still find it challenging to say no, but as a child, we didn't know right from wrong. Some kids didn't even know the difference between right and left until much later. Therefore, the rude thing to do was to reply with a no. However, as an adult, you are capable and mature enough to know the difference between right and wrong.

Frankly, saying can be nerve-wracking. If you are someone who has trouble saying no, remember to breathe. It sounds simple, but when we let our emotions get tangled like spaghetti, it seems like breathing is the last thing we think about, so breath. After you have breathed, remind yourself: "it's going to be okay." Anxiety can creep in if you let it, so don't!

What is anxiety? Anxiety is using today's energy to solve problems that MAY OR MAY NOT appear tomorrow.

This isn't RIP to your leadership

If as a leader, someone walked into your office, but you had to say no to their request, take a deep breath and relax. If the individual has bought into the vision, that one no isn't going to run them off. And if you get a no as an answer to your request in the next meeting, take a deep breath and relax; that no doesn't mean you are great at what you do.

Various years ago I was in a board meeting. Several individuals had to present ideas for the next quarter. I remember a relatively new leader who was very excited about her idea received no as an answer. She was applauded for her efforts but encouraged to back to the drawing board. After the meeting, I could tell she was emotional so I walked up to her asking if there was anything I could do to help in her next presentation. With tears running down her cheeks and an emotional tone, she asked: "is it worth it?"

I began to share of times where my ideas were either overlooked, rejected, or given to other people to execute. But I understood that if the intention was to serve, then it was worth it. And that getting a no, didn't have to be a graveyard moment. This isn't RIP to your leadership, just a no to this one idea.

Don't be so in love with your idea that you lose focus as to what your goal truly is.

No is a powerful word

One of the hardest moments for me to say no was when I was offered a job at a company I had been wanting to work for. I had gone in for an interview and the interviewer said you're hired! I was so excited to hear those words, but the next word was but it's for another position. It was a position that I knew I was overqualified for, and they did also. So I asked: "what are the possibilities I can move up if I take this position?" The answer I got did not fill me with the necessary confidence, but I think they saw that from my deminer. So, I took a deep breath and I said "no."

As I left the building I was filled with so many what-ifs. I called my wife and told her what had happened. I could believe how close I had gotten o work at an organization I had wanted to work with for so long, but I just wasn't going to settle, and it a good thing I didn't. Not too long after, I got a call to a job which lead me to be a manager, train other individuals, and grow. The position and the organization aligned perfectly with my beliefs.

No is a powerful word, I think we understand that. It holds so much power. It can keep us from walking through an open door, but it can also save us from danger. Sometimes getting no as an answer is exactly what is needed for the next promotion, and sometimes the next promotion requires our no.

when should you say no?

You should say no when you know you won't give your absolute best. The idea of pleasing or helping is sometimes addicting enough to keep saying yes, but when we say yes we are committing to see it through. So before you say yes, ask yourself: will I be able to give the best of me to this? if no, then say no. Remember that no today could lead to a new opportunity tomorrow.

If you feel like you are being used, or your gift is being exploited. Unfortunately, there are some bad leaders out there and some sucky friends. Both of which may attempt to bully, shame, or guilt you in saying yes. However, if you feel as though you are being used, meaning the offer is not mutually beneficial, then don't be afraid to say no. Being used as a pawn or having someone exploit your gifting for their gain is no fun and no matter how great the project, event, or moment turns out, the bitter taste will still be present. Better to say no, then to be involved in something you didn't believe in.

Call it a gut feeling. Call it intuition or whatever you'd like, but when you get that feeling, just say no.

We often forget that our own body will tell us when its time to fight or take flight, we've just got to listen! If you get that feeling that this isn't something you want to be apart of, no matter how great the offer may be, follow your gut.

I am not saying to follow your heart. Following your gut and following your heart are two different things. The Bible says in Jeremiah 17:9: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and mortally ill; who can know it?" Following your heart is letting your emotions guide your steps, but truly our desires change from one moment to another. Imagine watching a suspenseful movie. You are wrapped in the movie, characters, and the plot. You feel tense and like a scene from getting Out, you are sinking into the couch only to have your phone ring. As you pick up, your tone is full of emotion as you were wrapped up in the plot and twists the movie presents. But on the other line is someone to deliver good news, and all of a sudden, your emotions changed.

Trusting your gut is different. In the book of Job, we find a man who goes through a great struggle and an even greater dialog with God. The following statement is found in chapter 38, verse 36 - “Who has put wisdom in the inward parts, or given understanding to the mind.” There are moments when deep inside you, the correct answer pops out. You can call it intuition, instinct, a gut feeling, but when we pay attention, it leads us not astray. To some, they refer to that feeling as a nudge from the Lord, but if it is the Lord, we must be willing to hear. And when we do, if that feeling moves us to say no, be bold and full of courage to do so.

Final Thought

Feel comfortable with saying no. It may feel weird at first and even a bit scary, but take a deep breath and relax. Anything that distracts you from the vision isn't worth your focus. Don't say yes just to settle, because saying no doesn't mean you aren't grateful, it just means you understand that greater things are yet to come. And if giving a no indicates you know something greater awaits, then getting a no is only leading you to a new opportunity. Remember, receiving no as an answer isn't a RIP to your future. That no could be an elevator moving you on up, like George and Weezy.

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